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| I know it is cliche, but sometimes things don’t go as planned. Maybe God has a bigger yes?
My plan: To be the hero librarian, vanquisher of illiteracy and promoter of love of reading to all of the young students in my life. |
“My Plan”
An Original Poem
Proverbs 19:21
There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand. (KJV)
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. (NIV)
Jeremiah 29: 11 (NET Bible)
For I know what I have planned for you,’ says the LORD. ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.
It is midnight and I can’t rest tonight and my knee is hurting
Broken record time again.
We silent sufferers are often looked down upon
But why can’t you work? You can write.
You can type or talk into a microphone at midnight.
You can walk.
But can I focus? Can I manage a task or budget?
Accurately count out change in pain?
Can I guarantee I will not fall apart
My body not function, get an infection from my medications.
Miss two weeks of work and get fired?
I think back to the time at my school
When my principal did not know the scope of my pain
I had two knee replacements but was not improving.
The disease went on silent stealth,
invading other joints and coloring them a red hue.
She put me on review.
I don’t blame her.
I was coming in and sitting.
I couldn’t lift a book.
I kept dropping encyclopedias on my toes.
They were so black and blue.
I knew my days were numbered
I saw the writing in the cards.
Can you imagine the pain that silent sufferers face?
I know I am not alone.
This is one of the reason I write
To shine a light even it if it is midnight.
When bodies fail and work is impossible
You feel stopped and trapped.
You can’t face another day when you feel like a failure.
I should be able to complete that task. Everyone else can.
I should be able to meet that deadline.
Arthritis shouldn’t win.
Sometimes the disabled can’t overcome
Sometimes they can’t keep going.
Their bodies stop, their minds don’t work.
They can’t guarantee a boss that they will show
Up on this day or that.
They can’t guarantee that they will complete that task on time.
They could cost the company money
because of missed deadlines.
Depression sets in then.
It is like this cycle where the disabled
never wins.
I mean we are like everyone else.
We want to be a success.
We want to succeed and help our companies.
Our children in our schools,
Our patients in our hospitals.
All those that depend upon us to do a good job.
Some days though when you are disabled
All you can do is show up and rob the boss of a paycheck.
You sit in pain and want to die because you lie.
That is where I was honestly at.
God rescued me though.
He loves me even as broken as I am.
He can still use me
and talk through me.
Maybe I can help be a voice
For those who understand
and are facing the same pain
and dilemmas that I did.
I finally had to be honest.
I couldn’t be a hero. I couldn’t work.
I went home and cried, feeling like I was dying
But God had a bigger plan.
He made me a writer (or voicer?) in the night.
My Life May Have Not Gone As Planned
But..
This post was originally written for day 21 in both the October 2014 31 Days online writing challenge started by home blogger, Myquillyn Smith (The Nester) and Kate Motaung’s Five Minute Friday and her 31-Day Five Minute Writing Challenge. What has changed since this original post less than two years ago? Pain still is a foe and friend at times, but I am more grounded in my faith about my future because God planned a glorious life for me. His plan unravels daily in ways I never imagined.
I thank my blogging communities for this. When you write and blog, you think people will just find you and come and read. Not so as I learned through the years. It is all about networking and joining communities. I have joined an eclectic mix of them such as Christian blogging groups on Facebook including Susan Chamberlain Shipe’s 31 Day’s Survivors: We’re Better Together group. I love the feedback, the support, and prayers I receive from the member’s of this group. Other groups include Corrine Rodrigues‘ Blog Commenting Tribe group. Wonderful ladies from these groups and my own Literacy Musing Mondays community as well as the Slice of Lifers provide wonderful inspiration and spiritual friendships that run deeper than any face to face friendships that I have ever had (bar one: My closest friends: Kelly).
God has Planned a Wonderful life for Me.
God knew I needed writing to save me from my pain.
He used my words to lift and buoy me.
He brought me out of valleys unto mountains.
His Plans are more wonderful then I can imagine.
The pain shrinks in comparison to His Love Plan for my life.
His plans fill my future with Hope.
He has planned miracles, love, and abundance for my future.
This post is my fifth entry for THE MARCH SOLSC! #SOL16 which started Tuesday.
Also linking up with numerous link up parties listed here. I update my Link-up Parties page frequently. Be sure to check it out!
Thanks for the inspiration. Kind of in the same boat here. 30+ years in the medical field, then bam, life happens. But God is faithful. Love the blog; found you via Kate Motaung’s “Five Minute Friday” post.
So sorry that you have to experience this suffering but glad that you are able to be a voice. I always get upset when my plans don’t go according to plan also but always find that God’s plans are always way better. May God continue to use your gifts for his glory.
Rebekah recently posted…2 Week Dinner Meal Plan
I know the pain you are suffering. My mother in law is getting ready to have her other knee replacement soon, and she battles the pain, depression and just wanting to get better. I think it is wonderful that you blog, write, and inspire others around you. Blessings and prayers to you. Thank you for sharing with #SocialButterflySunday, and I look forward to seeing you join again this week 🙂
Kelly @RaisingSamuels recently posted…Here to Help Learning (TOS Review)
I’m sorry that you must suffer. It reminds me of the way some people get angry when they see a person get into or out of a vehicle in a handicapped parking space, complaining that the person is perfectly healthy. There are so many ailments, though, that cause pain and struggles that aren’t evident to others, at least not unless you know the individual well.
I like the way you begin with scripture, and it has inspired me to use scripture in some of my writing. Thanks for sharing.
Mary, so heartfelt and inspiring — I wish you fast healing. I loved this line:
“His plan unravels daily in ways I never imagined.” So true.
Thank you!
What a great post. I too am a silent (and some time not so silent, as I need to vent my pain and frustration) sufferer. On the outside, I look perfectly fine. No one can tell that I am in great pain every single day. Even when you tell them, of course, they don’t really get it, how could they? So your words really spoke to me. It’s very hard for me to work every day. To focus. So while I’m sure our pain is very different, I do have an idea of what you’re going through…and it sucks.
Thank you. I am glad my writing touched you. I am working through things too. I vent too a lot. It is normal and not a bad thing. We are human. I look perfectly fine to a lot of people too; so, I write to educate people that this pain is real, and it has real impacts on daily life.
Mary Hill recently posted…Wait : A Harsh Taskmaster for Faith
Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem Mary and shining a light on those who must deal with the pain of being misunderstood and marginalized on top of the pain of dealing with disabling, chronic illnesses.
You are a gifted writer who I am blessed to call friend.
Create With Joy recently posted…Inspire Me Monday – Week 218 Featuring Chris Tomlin
Thank you for your kind support. 😉
Mary Hill recently posted…Literacy Musing Mondays: Celebrate Reading and Learning
Mary, your words are beautiful. I especially l loved the image: “To shine a light even it if it is midnight.” You capture both the reality of suffering debilitating pain and its effect on you so poignantly. Thank you.
Mary, I really love this! Your honesty about your pain and struggles and your hope knowing that God’s purposes will prevail. I’m so glad He led you to writing! You write from your heart and your love for God shines brightly! Blessings to you!
Gayl Wright recently posted…Things in the News
I am so sorry for your pain and all the disappointments you have faced. But when I read your writing I am drawn to focus on God’s goodness as He has stood beside you and for you along the way. The focus leads to Him, as all our lives should. Blessings to you.
Thank you for sharing. It is through sharing our stories that we can encourage others and spread hope. That comes through loud and clear in your post today. Thank you.
Mary, this is such a hopeful poem for those who silent sufferers. I am going to give this to my son who is disabled and struggling at this time. Perhaps, your words will be comforting.
Would you like to join a community of reflective writers for the Finding Fall Gallery? http://beyondliteracylink.blogspot.com/2014/10/savoring-season.html
Such a wonderful poem! You are doing a wonderful job!
Love your new site! =)
Melissa,
Thanks so much for the kind words and support. It means a lot to me. 😉
Thank you Mary for sharing so honestly! I have medical issues and still work…I could so relate. I am so glad you are a writer, God is in control and is blessing and anointing your words. Keep doing it!
This was a nice peek into the life (and mind) of a silent sufferer. Your honesty really shines through. Hope you find some peace.
This really painted a picture I needed to see. Thank you for opening up my compassion.
Beautiful. No one really knows the pain of a silent sufferer.
I love the quiet strength of the poem.
“I should be able to complete that task. Everyone else can.” Ouch! I have felt that way. And then I realize, I am not that person. God made me unique. And you too! Thanks for sharing. What a wonderful post!
That was good. Have you thought of putting your writing into a book?
Thank you for sharing your encouraging poem, Mary.
We definitely need ‘writers in the night.’
Things didn’t go as planned, and I’m trying to find a new role I’m expected to play.