I sat at my dining room table staring at the bottle of pills. Negative thoughts crashed into my brain as tears coursed down my cheek.
Designed by Katherine Hill
I am sick of pain. Sick of not receiving the help I need. Sick of battles with insurance companies to pay for medicines. Sick of the cost of medicine.
I am tired …. frustrated… my faith hanging on by a thread.
I opened the bottle and popped two pills without thinking. I put it back down and grabbed the phone.
It only rang once and I heard my mom’s voice.
“Mom, I need you to come down before I do something stupid,” I cried. She came right away. She talked me through my feelings and took the bottle of pills home with her.
Negative Thoughts Kill
I will not go into all the ins and outs of my day yesterday or specific details, but the scene above really happened. A telephone call lead to hopes dashed over potential help for my condition. After battling pain for six years, I melted down into a mess.
Depression and pain blended into a perfect storm, but God rescues. He gave me the one person to call upon just in time: Mom.
She came with an arsenal and just the right message to battle through and save me from feelings of despair so great that I felt like all options were closing around me.
My mom reminded me though of why I need to fight these thoughts.
Despite my faith hampered and destroyed, Jesus’s love for me and his plan for my life is greater than a momentary problem. (Even though at this moment I have no idea what His plan involves.)
The impact my actions would have on my family. The sure devastation and hurt my daughter would face the rest of her life. My husband’s need for me as a wife and resulting grief that would hit him like an avalanche.
So tonight, I sit here in the quiet of my living room, looking back over the day. My daughter and I worked together on a school project. My husband took care of me after teeth surgery.
My gum is throbbing, but I can deal with this pain as I focus and retrain my thoughts on God: His provision, His love and His realness in my life. I feel shame about my meltdown yesterday, but I relearned important lessons. I am human. I fail. I give in and struggle. Jesus uses even these times and works all together for my good. Even though at this minute, I don’t know how everything will turn out, I know that He has this situation in hand.
If you are battling through a hard time too, I empathize. I can only say take these lessons that I relearned and apply them to your life too.
Believe me, I know battling and calling out for help is easier said than done. When your life if on the line, step back and think about the impacts of any tragic decision you make. Call for help of someone trusted and pray with him/her. Give it to Jesus and let peace win out.
[tweetthis twitter_handles=”@MaryHill16″]Remember, He Loves You. Jesus is mightier than any negative thoughts or situations in your life.[/tweetthis]
This post is for day 9 of THE MARCH SOLSC! #SOL16,
I will also join several of the hops listed on my Link-up Parties page.
Thank you. I know if I hold on my Rescuer will deliver me. 🙂
Mary Hill recently posted…Wait : A Harsh Taskmaster for Faith
Sigh…as I commented a few days ago. I don’t know your exact pain, but can empathize with constant pain every day. I have been having really bad pain flares lately and lots of negative thoughts have been running through my head as well. It’s so hard. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I wish no one did. I wish there was an answer. Lots of hugs and prayers.
Thank you for your kind hugs and prayers. I am doing better today. Writing always helps me. God gave me writing to see me through the tough times.
Mary Hill recently posted…Battling Negative Thoughts
Mary, I am so very sorry you are experiencing such deep pain and agony in the midst of this situation. I am saying a prayer for you. We need you! You are incredibly valuable and making a difference in this world – especially for people like me! May the Lord bless you indeed!
Leigh Ellen recently posted…Breaking Out of my Invisible Box
Leigh Ellen, thanks so much. I am not going anywhere. I need prayer though to better cope with pain and setbacks.
Mary Hill recently posted…Wait : A Harsh Taskmaster for Faith
Being in pain is horrendous. I’m sorry for the hurt you’re feeling, both physically and emotionally. I’m glad you trusted this community enough to share your story. And I am thankful you picked up the phone to call your mom.
It is so hard. Pain. It sounds like you have a good support system. You are brave and wise to choose the positive path.
Mary, this is such a brave post. Know that I will be praying for you today with a special earnest request for peace of soul and encouragement as you live through this painful time.
Michele Morin recently posted…A Gift for All Times
This post breaks my heart. I want to sit with you, bring you a cup of tea, wrap a blanket around you, and just listen. We all go through tough times, and being in constant pain for so long is devastating, and makes you think negative thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’m so glad you had your mom to call, and that you are beginning to see the brighter side of your life. I’m also proud of you for being authentic and real and sharing this with the SOL community. I hope tomorrow is better and brings you peace.