By Mary Hill
I know it is late Tuesday night. I don’t like being so late posting to Two Shoes Tuesday, but I didn’t want to post this with my normal post. The seriousness of the issue did not fit and I have even thought about posting it at my other blog, but I haven’t posted there for days. I pray you will receive this post in a positive way and that it will help someone who is a regular reader. Thanks.
broken or words
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Skyrocketing divorce rates impact even Christian churches. I found another blogger who has just began her odyssey in a blended family. She has shared her pain and even went into very personal details. I know the pain she is feeling, but I will not use this blog to discuss specific family problems. Instead, I want to look at the bigger picture.
My Story Briefly I have an ex-wife and step children. My husband had a prior marriage which ended two years before I met him. He had three children with his ex-wife who are all now grown. When I came into the picture his oldest son was about to turn 19, and he had two young daughters, ages 6 and 9. On our second evening together, he showed me the pictures of his daughters. Both were strikingly beautiful little girls. I remember thinking romantically, I am going to be a mom.
I should have heard a brake screeching in my head at that point. I was going to be a stepmom. I envisioned loving them a like a mom does which I really do until this day. I did not have my own children at the time, and even thought I would be unable to have children. I did not realize the difficulities a stepmom faces in helping to raise children that are not her own.
I determined in my heart that it did not matter. My love for these little girls would make everything work out. I dreamed of beautiful wonderful times, playing games, baking cookies, and skipping through lala land. I am not saying these dreams did not happen in some way because they did. I am saying that joining a blended family is hard and even more difficult if you enter one with romantic visions and are not prepared for the realities.
Overcoming Division Through Love This verse really applies here:
Love can and will make all things good in the end, but it is a long process, and our flesh and pride can get in the way. Broken children are the results of divorce. After a divorce, for them, it is like they have suffered a death. Their little minds can’t wrap around the fact that mommy and daddy are no longer together. If mommy and daddy fight after the divorce is finalized, the stage is set for disaster for these little hearts. Then you bring strangers into the picture. Daddy has met a new woman and mommy a new man. They just want their real mommy and daddy back together again. In their minds, these strangers are the enemy, and they robbed them of their biological parents, and their hurt is doubled.
Okay, I know all of this now, but I did not realize it then. I am human and, boy, I made a lot of mistakes. I write this for those out there that are embarking on the same journey I have taken. Read my words carefully and prepare yourselves mentally. Seeing the brokeness of little children is heart breaking stuff. It is not their fault and that has to be your mantra when raising your own step children, and you can not take anything they say or do negatively toward you personally.
Huh, you ask yourself, how do I do that? You have to remember that they have two biological parents. In the beginning, you are the enemy because they are hurting inside. They believe that you took their mommy or daddy away from them. It doesn’t matter who is wearing the stepmom’s or stepdad’s shoes. When you really accept the depth of their hurting, you gain empathy and then you can move past hurt and unto developing relationships.
I hate to end this post at this point, but I accomplished my first goal in what will become a series on blended families. I hope it helps someone. What do you think? Do you have a blended family? How did your step children accept you in the beginning? Share but keep to the broader issues to protect the privacy of your family.
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Hi, discipline is another aspect. I have some ideas on that too. I wanted to discipline, but I don’t think I should have? I have read many theorie on this and plan to share an article just on this issue soon.
I came from a blended family and have one of my own now. I liked my stepmom when they were dating but then once they were engaged it became it’s her way or your grounded (even having to do hospital corners on my bed). So we butted heads through the time I got married the first time. I had even told my dad it was her or me.
I’ve run out of discipline ideas so I let my husband be the mean parent to my son. He’s come up with some creative things that work for a time. Now that he’s headed into middle school and hormones we’ll see what happens next.
Hi Mary ~~ It was good to read your story here. I was the father that my wife married. We lived with the four children for about four months while the ex and her second new (third counting me) husband were out of state (a legality). Mrs. Jim and the kids got to know each other really well during that time and they all love her now. They knew what all went on and were glad to see their dad happy again.
BTW, I was like those step-children you talked of, a broken guy. Our divorce was very much unexpected on my side. The first marriage was for 13 years, this second one 40 years and with another, all hers, child. Romans 8:28 says it right. Things did work out for the good, for all eight of us.
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My wife and I married when we both had two children…5, 3 1/2,(girls) 2 and 2..the 2 year old were boys …they are all over 40 now…”raising the Brady bunch” my children liked to say…
It is not easy because of all the outside influence that come from the friends and families from both ex’s…..they can’t do that…don’t let them get away with that…etc..etc..
I tell people they need to understand that there was another family…another parent…it happened and cannot be changed…your mate slept with someone else…it’s over..deal with it and don’t put the children in the middle or punish them for your mistakes.
keep writing your thoughts…you make some very good points.
This was good. I am a blended family. we have had our issues, but it has been more with my husband than with the kids, I would say. Issues and uncomfortable situations have put a strain on an already “tense” marriage. Still dealing with the effects…
Blended families are tough, even when you go into it with the best of intentions.
I believe before two people marry, before blending the families, everyone should sit down and talk it out even if it’s just the parents and children, sitting around the table discussing what’s about to take place.
Lynn such a good point. I also think that counseling is important in the beginning for everyone. There again you have to have the cooperation of all the parents.
God bless. I hope all works out for you. I will put you on my prayer list. Prayer is powerful and God can heal all situations.
Mary
Wow, this was a powerful piece and as a mom who went through years of trying to keep peace in a blended family, I can affirm that you are right on track. I love your perspective. It’s a hard one to learn to live by but we do it for the children, and we do it for the love of God. The children are the victims in this situation, they are indeed broken, and as such they will act out. It isn’t easy, it takes time, but if all the adults are willing to work together for the good of the children, love can grow again and heal those broken hearts! Thank you for sharing this awesome post with us at Two Shoes Tuesday, Mary, I’ll be looking forward to your series on blended families!
We have a blended family and hubby loves mine like his own. He’s been around me so long that both the grands call him grandpa.
I’ve not met his kids, although I’ve kept that door open. It’s a long story, but it’s hubbies decision. We shall see as time marches on.
Have a terrific day. ☺