Remembrances of Dancing

On Overcoming, Loneliness, and Falling

 

 

Remembrances of times past float in my mind.

Remembering when, I felt lost and alone in a crowd of thousands of worshipers, praising the Lord, dancing, and raising hands. I looked around. “Why was I always alone,” my heart cried. I had no one with which to share my joy and my worship.

I don’t know why I felt like that in a crowd so large.  It was the Jesus 1983 Festival in Orlando, Fla.  Attending with my youth group, I longed for friendship from them. Real friendship.  Where someone would single me out and say “Isn’t this great?” or  “I love being here with you.” Instead I stood alone watching everyone dancing and singing. I wanted to belong. I wanted to be a part of it. Tears filled my eyes and I thought about going back to the campground area, leaving.

A whisper came in my mind, “Isn’t this great? I love being here with you.  Let’s dance.”  I felt warmth and love envelop me like never before. I felt so close to the Lord and His Spirit filled me up.

The rain came down in a fine mist and enveloped the crowd.  In fact, it seemed it rained the whole time. We dodged the rains to get to the next speaker or session on faith and God’s love. We ate in the large halls of the Orlando Fairgrounds. I don’t even remember the meals. I just remembering sitting with the group, bowing my head and praying, giving thanks for the fellowship and fun of the festival. Then came the evening concerts featuring Larry Norman, Sweet Comfort Band, and Silver Wind. I think White Heart may have there, but my memory isn’t too reliable.

Remembrances of Falling

I remember one session in particular with shame though.  I listened as the speaker spoke about people who may be present who had committed moral sins: sex before marriage; committed crimes and gone to jail, started using dope. “Thank you Lord,” I remembered praying with pride. “That’s not me. I haven’t done any of those things.” My heart swelled. I felt so good; so pure; so above everyone else.

I should have remembered Proverb :16: 18 “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”

I didn’t and left with an attitude. “Look at me, the Godly Christian.”  Looking back, my attitude should have been more of thankfulness and love toward Jesus who kept me safe and pure. It was because my parents had kept me in church and showed me the way that I had not fallen.

On the final day of the festival, the praise band played, “My God Reigns.” The heavens opened up in response, raining down His Glory. My heart swelled with pride not joy and honor.

Six months later, I had tried drugs and had sex outside of marriage. I wasn’t Ms. Goody Two Shoes anymore. Ashamed and beaten down by Satan, I couldn’t face anyone.

Satan used my desires not to be alone against me. My dream to fit in and to be cared for was my downfall. He found my weaknesses and wiggled his way in and tried to destroy me. I almost let him. In fact, I never fully recovered from that time until about 10 years ago, almost 22 years later.

Remembrances of Grace

Despite my downfall, Jesus loved me through it all and taught me to overcome, press on, and Love Him more each day.  I journeyed through the recovery process making more mistakes and falling repeatedly, seemingly unable to learn from my past. Jesus held me and protected me on each stage even the periods of rebellion. His Grace shined through my life at every point. I never deserved His merit and protection. He freely lavished it on me.

I share this today to point out God’s true self. His love is pure and undeserved. His grace huge and all encompassing.

[tweetthis twitter_handles=”@MaryHill16″]No matter your past, you can find forgiveness in Jesus Christ.[/tweetthis]

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