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| Research and book talks were the norm in my library. I have been retired four years, so these students would be 10th graders now. |
By Mary Hill
Do you ever second guess yourself? Wonder was that decision the right call? I did that my last week on the job as educator. My principal had been caring and understanding, but in my heart of hearts, I wondered, should I have tried to make it through the school year? Could I have gone three more years? I would have been able to get retirement benefits like insurance. My life, however, at that time, seemed to be falling apart.
The pain and pressure just ate at me. My feet and heart were bruised. Carrying heavy book collections out of the back room seemed like an impossible nightmare. Keeping the books shelved and organized crushed me mentally and physically. Add in the lesson planning and the grade keeping, my mind and body collasped.
Arthritis is not a friend to the educator. The pain destroys concentration. The swelling destroys joints and mobility. I survived day to day and just showed up so I could draw a paycheck. With each check, I felt like a failure to my school and community. The kids deserved someone who could give them more.
Then came the last day. Teachers surprised me with visits to the library all day long. They brought handmade cards from my students and gifts. Students hugged me and cried. I remember one student in particular. He couldn’t stop crying the whole time. I went over and told him everything was going to be okay because they had a great student teacher filling in for me. He just said, “No one cared about making me love reading like you did.”
I guess it was just the emotion of the day. I knew all the other teachers at my school did care and were so dedicated. Just hearing one of my students tell me that made my heart swell.
The next Monday though; the library would open. Reading would continue. Research would go on. I would not be there to help my students. I had to let go and think about myself and my family.
My principal’s words ring in my ears, “You have to do what is best for you. You will come up with new goals and new ways to contribute.”
Four years later, I look back. I miss the book clubs, the book talks, and the book fairs. I miss the activities and the teaching. I miss introducing fourth graders to the computerized card catalog and AR. I even miss the Dewey Decimal system.
I miss the feel of the pages of new books just delivered. I miss writing grants. I miss winning them. I won the Barbara Bush grant in 2010 for my library, but the order came after I left. My collection grew by close to 500 books. I never got to see the new collection age statistics.
I miss being a teacher librarian whose main job: instill a love of reading in a new generation of students. I wonder about them.
During the first two years of my retirement, I suffered depression and anxiety over my decision, and I felt adrift. A year ago, I started blogging, and it has reanchored me. I am a writer educator now. Now my blog is my classroom to instruct others and to inspire learning. I hope you will keep reading my Slices this month. Thanks for stopping by.
(This is my second post in the Seventh Annual Slice of Life Story Challenge! You can learn more about the challenge here. )
During the first two years of my retirement, I suffered depression and anxiety over my decision, and I felt adrift. A year ago, I started blogging, and it has reanchored me. I am a writer educator now. Now my blog is my classroom to instruct others and to inspire learning. I hope you will keep reading my Slices this month. Thanks for stopping by.
(This is my second post in the Seventh Annual Slice of Life Story Challenge! You can learn more about the challenge here. )
My favorite quote: “No one cared about making me love reading like you did.” I’m so grateful you’ve been able to come around and find a way to share your gifts and knowledge. Thank you for writing something so open, too.
Mary,
Your last day was played out again in my classroom Friday. Heartfelt tears were shed when a school asst. retired midyear. I know that she too struggled leaving. I am so glad you have found your new anchor and with your principal’s words, “You will find a new goal and a new way to contribute” I know my friend will find her new anchor too. Hooray for you on your new path.
I imagine leaving is hard, especially when you obviously loved your job so much. Leaving when you know you can’t give the students everything they deserve is admirable. I am sure the many students you have touched wonder about you as well.
Hello. Thank you for walking me through the crushing ending of your invaluable work as school librarian into the new work you’ve found.
Your post touches me on so many levels. I am “retirement age” but still working FT plus a PT job with my local writing project. I don’t have arthritis but I have days where the physical and emotional pressure leaves very little of me left over.
Yes, the library work goes on, but I was also saddened to remember a librarian friend retiring from one ES where I worked, to be replaced only part time by someone who had no heart for children, stories or books.
At my school the librarian is more like an AR cop than a book lover. Not enough time.
I feel a touch of envy for your new work – your talent to write and the gift of literacy. I can’t wait to read where it leads you!